April 3rd, 2006
Take Me Out to the Fun Zone
By Chris Marcil and Sam Johnson
New York Times
Baseball is back! And if you’re thinking, “That means the crack of the bat and the smell of fresh-cut grass on a long summer evening” well, Gramps, it’s time to turbo-charge your thinking box, because the all-new Tri-Valley ValleyTingle are here! Say goodbye to watching the “national pastime” from the metal bleachers of Veterans Memorial Park, and say “Wassup!” to The Park at BASF Chemical Field, where you’ll go on a baseball-themed ride, from the Hawaiian Punch High-Fructose Kids Fun Zone, to the new sound system (the loudest in the minor leagues!) that finally puts the “bass” into “baseball!”
And as if that isn’t enough ח and it isn’t check out these hot promotions and/or cool giveaways:
FREE SCHEDULE THUNDER STICKS Nothing screams “opening day” like a tsunami of skull-crushing noise! First 2,000 fans get a pair of Tingle 2006 home-schedule thunder sticks, courtesy of Wachovia Securities! Pound them all night while the Tingle pound their first victim, the Salisbury Attitude!
MEET “MC V.T.” Looking for “MC V.T.,” Class A’s newest mascot? The best place to find him is right in your face! He’ll be on hand an hour before game time signing autographs and shaking “tentacles” with the fans! Warning: hilarity may ensue! “MC V.T.” also loves pinning kids and tickling them, imitating oldsters and “shooting” inattentive fans in the back with the pneumatic ValleyTingle T-shirt cannon! For Muscular Dystrophy!
ICE COLD SUNDAYS All season long, powered by the Hon. Judge Jim Watkins Cadillac! Find the golden piece of ice in your large Pepsi, Diet Pepsi or Mountain Dew and you’re entered in a drawing for a free reconditioned Escalade! And don’t miss free upgrades on your French fry orders on American Potato Ministries “Fries With That” Fridays! Aw, yeah ח get your snack on!
BAT NIGHT For the kids! A beautiful, authentically decaled 18-inch pine bat for all future Hall-of-Famers under 10! What’s that? You want more? How ‘bout we throw in Murderfist’s new CD, “Violent Porn Addict?” Music rocks!
TURN BACK THE CLOCK NIGHT Hey, let’s not forget the old-timers! Tired of the modern game and its uppity fans? Return with us to the days of 1947, when uniforms were flannel, beer was a nickel, and you displayed ethnic pride and solidarity by rooting for the grand old Tri-Valley Red Scalpers from your ethnically appropriate section!
SALUTE TO AMERICA PRESENTED BY BANK OF AMERICA, AMERIQUEST MORTGAGE AND AMERICAN EAGLE AIRLINES This Fourth of July, why not do something patriotic? Then, after that, come to the ballpark and check out our free fireworks, our new bumping acid-house national anthem mash-up and, to put the icing on the flag, free mandatory armed services induction for all fans 18 to 34!
OLD TIME AUGUST ICE CREEM SOCIAL An authentic Tingle batting helmet filled with your favorite tastebud-kickin’ Vanillakilla, Chizzocolate or Strawnanaberry Ice Creemή freeze-whipped confectionή, and it’s absolutely free with the purchase of two other authentic Tingle batting helmets! (Fans allergic to wheat gluten and/or bone meal discouraged from participating.)
G.M. FOR A NIGHT Ever wondered what it’s like to run your own professional baseball club? Well, stop because if you’re sitting in the lucky seat, you’ll be the general manager on one of the most exciting days of the year: when players are told whether they’ll be given their outright release! Don’t just say, “You’re out!” Say: “You’re fired!”
FAN APPRECIATION NIGHT We’re ending the season right, with your choice of any Tingle 2006 giveaway! Whether it’s a Fox 23 News “Outrage of the Week” souvenir chisel, a First Properties SuperSplash Waterzooka, a Prestige Real Estate Monster Air Horn, or even a collectable 1998 schedule coin purse, if it’s in the bin, you take it home!
Baseball fever’s back and there’s only one cure ח the Tri-Valley ValleyTingle! Catch it all summer long!
(NOTE: ValleyTingle Baseball Associates Ltd. is not responsible for personal injury, property damage or mental distress resulting from improper use of novelty bat or encounters with “MC V.T.")
Comments
- Posted by Jim on April 8th, 2006
Really funny! But the sad part is it’s not that far from how things are!!